My Breastfeeding Story: A Hard Start and a Year I’m Proud Of

Nobody warned me that breastfeeding could hurt more than my C-section.

Today, when I think about those months, the first thing that comes to mind isn’t the pain, though. It’s a look. Around four or five months, Raf started doing something while nursing: stopping for a second to look up at me with a sweet, slightly mischievous smile, as if the two of us shared a secret, and then going back to feeding.

I’ll keep those moments in my heart forever. But getting there was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

I’m writing this for the mom who is nursing alone at 3 a.m., in the dark, while everyone else in the house is asleep. The one who is trying so hard to do it right, and still questions everything. Is the latch right? Is my baby getting enough? Is it supposed to hurt this much? Am I doing something wrong? The one who holds her breath at every latch and keeps going anyway.

If that’s you right now, you’re not alone. I think of you every night, I know you’re out there, and I hope you can feel all of us with you: every mom who has been there, and every mom who is there right now.

I’ve been you. This is my story.

The First Days: Nothing Like I Imagined

I had a C-section, and those first days in the hospital were hard. The incision hurt, and the latch was awful from the very first feed. Every time Raf latched, I held my breath.

I didn’t know how to be a mom. Just as my baby was learning to live outside the womb, I was learning to be a mother. I thought I was ready, but the truth is, I knew nothing. Only that this tiny person depended completely on me, and that it was my job to care for, hold and protect this little one.

My nipples were damaged so quickly that I had to use an infrared lamp right there at the clinic. I tried to pump a little, but almost nothing came out. I felt lost, tired and scared.

Luckily, I recovered well from the C-section. (If you’re healing from one too, here’s what helped me care for my C-section scar.) Breastfeeding was another story.

When My Milk Came In

My milk came in three days later, when we were already home. And it came in strong.

I never had a problem with supply. I had a lot of milk, and I think my flow was very fast, because Raf would sputter and choke while feeding. So we had two problems at once: a bad latch and a fast flow.

On my first day home, I saw blood in my milk. I’ll never forget that moment.

My breasts felt hard and full, and I could tell some ducts were already clogged. So I did what I could with what I had. I put crushed cabbage leaves on my breasts right away, then took a hot shower and gently massaged them to help the milk come out.

I know it doesn’t happen to everyone, but it happens to a lot of women. If it’s happening to you, try not to panic. Focus on draining your breasts well to relieve the pressure, and reach out to a lactation consultant as soon as you can.

The Woman Who Changed Everything

A few days later, I hired a lactation consultant. It was the best decision I made in that whole first year.

She found something nobody else had noticed: Raf had a tongue-tie (the little band of skin under the tongue was too short), which made it really hard to latch well. We had it released with a quick procedure called a frenotomy.

She also sent us to a pediatric speech therapist, another wonderful woman, who noticed that the release hadn’t been deep enough. We had to go back to the maxillofacial surgeon. So at just 25 days old, my little one had two frenotomies, followed by stretching massages three or four times a day. My poor baby. Those must have been the hardest days of that short little life.

Through all of it, I wrote to my lactation consultant almost every day, about everything. So much that she started to feel like a best friend. Her advice always made sense to me, and it gave me peace and hope when I had very little of either.

My husband and the people closest to me were there for me too. But when it came to breastfeeding, she was my rock.

The Months That Tested Me

The cracks took about a month to heal, and I thought the worst was over. It wasn’t. The latch problems lasted longer, and then came everything else: clogged ducts, over and over, milk blebs (tiny, painful white spots on the nipple) and a subacute mastitis, the kind that hurts a lot but doesn’t give you a fever or a red breast.

My right breast suffered the most. Every time it was that side’s turn, I had to gather all my courage. I would take a deep breath, hold Raf close and remind myself why I was doing this.

I’ll never forget the first time I got back on my stationary bike, when Raf was about six weeks old. It had been a whole day without breast pain, and I remember pedaling and thinking, “How nice, no pain today.” Then, maybe from the sweat, the tight sports bra or who knows what, one nipple started to hurt. When I looked, I saw my first milk bleb: big, whitish-yellow, irregular and so, so painful. So much for no pain. I felt so disappointed, as if my body wouldn’t let me have even one good day.

My nightstand looked like a little pharmacy: creams, patches, nipple shields and the silver nursing cups that gave me so much relief. I saw three breast specialists, took antibiotics for a month and even had my milk tested. Every new appointment and every new remedy came with a little hope. And every time the pain came back, that hope broke a little.

I tried every home remedy I was told about. I kept using crushed cabbage leaves, which are a great natural anti-inflammatory, with gentle massage, always draining outward. People recommended cold, but I used a warm compress, hoping it would help the cabbage juices soak into my skin. It helped me in that moment, but today I know that cold is the better choice for an inflamed breast. (If you’re dealing with this, please talk to your doctor or a lactation consultant. I’m a mom sharing my experience, not a medical professional.)

And when Raf was one month old, “mommy thumb” showed up: a painful tendinitis in my wrist from holding my little one in bad positions, feed after feed. Holding my own baby, the thing I wanted most, now hurt too. It stayed with me until just a few weeks ago. Little by little, I strengthened the tendon, and today I have almost no pain. I wrote about it here, and about the nursing pillow I wish I’d used from day one.

I lived with pain for a long time, and there were days when I was exhausted and heartbroken. But every time something new went wrong, I looked for another answer: another specialist, another remedy, another trick. I was brave, I was stubborn, and I never gave up. Not for a single day.

The Hardest Moment

Looking back, the hardest moment wasn’t the pain. It was the day a specialist told me to stop breastfeeding and take medication to dry up my milk.

I felt desperate, and so sad. After everything Raf and I had been through, it felt like all that effort had been for nothing, and like I was about to lose something I wasn’t ready to let go of.

Then I told my lactation consultant, and she gave me what I needed most: another option. If it was really necessary, she said, I could dry up just one breast and keep nursing on the other. I didn’t have to stop.

I can still feel the relief of that moment. I could breathe again. And it gave me the strength to keep looking for answers.

The Little Ball That Changed My Story

By then, breastfeeding had taken over my story. My breasts were the main characters of my days: every feed, every worry, every late-night search on my phone was about them.

I found the answer by chance. One day, searching for anything that could help me, I ended up on a website that sells used maternity items, and I saw a small silicone massage ball made for breastfeeding. It caught my attention right away. I looked up the Lactamo website, believed in it, and ordered one immediately.

It was a Lactamo gel massage ball. I kept it in the fridge and used it cold, with gentle drainage strokes, several times a day. It didn’t only help with my clogged ducts. It helped with almost every problem I had. From then on, the moment I felt a clog starting, I grabbed my ball, and I could finally get ahead of the pain instead of chasing it.

For the first time in months, I could stop obsessing over my breastfeeding problems. I took back control of my story, and I decided it was going to become a positive, happy one.

And it did. I got to enjoy almost seven more months of breastfeeding with my baby.

If a friend asked me today what to buy before her baby arrives, this would be the first thing I’d tell her.

My Little Milk Bank

I also pumped a lot, and I built my own little milk bank. Pumping meant:

• I could go out for a while, and someone else could give Raf a bottle.
• I could enjoy a glass of wine once in a while.
• I could go back to work knowing Raf had my milk.
• I had a reserve for when it was time to wean.

But pumping takes discipline, sacrifice and time. To build my milk bank, I organized my days around two pumping sessions. The night one was the hardest. Raf was finally asleep, the house was quiet, and I had my moment of peace… except I had to pump, store the milk and wash every piece of the pump. Not so peaceful after all.

For the first months, I pumped holding the bottles with my hands. When I finally got a hands-free pumping bra, I could even cook while I pumped. It’s on my newborn registry checklist, together with the silver cups and the other things that got me through.

I Never Wanted to Give Up

Even with all the pain, I never thought about stopping. Honestly, I didn’t think I’d make it past six months.

But I did. Raf drank only my milk, no formula, for the whole first year.

It took patience, consistency, resilience and a lot of courage. And one of the happiest days of that year was the day breastfeeding finally stopped hurting.

A Gentle Goodbye

Our weaning started when Raf was 10 months old and ended in late June. It was very gradual and gentle, and there were no tears, for either of us. My little milk bank helped a lot. How I weaned my little one without tears is a story I’ll tell you soon.

To the Mom Reading This at 3 a.m.

If you’re going through something like this, here’s what I want you to know:

• Your pain is real, and it’s valid. It’s not your fault, and it’s not your baby’s either. Most of the time there’s a physical reason behind it, like a latch problem or a tongue-tie, and it can usually be fixed.
• Find a good lactation consultant early. For me, she made all the difference.
• Be patient with yourself, and believe in yourself. You’ll find your way.
• If you decide to stop, that’s okay too. There’s nothing wrong with it. Listen to yourself and take care of yourself, because a happy mom means a happy baby.

Whatever you decide, it’s the right decision if it’s right for you and your baby. Trust your instinct. You’re doing better than you think.

And if you decide to keep going, I’d love to walk this road with you. Write to me anytime.

With love,

Raf’s Mom